i finally made it to cell last friday...

quite a busy night...i couldn't even warm up the seat i sat on that night, walking in and out the room till i gave up going in anymore. the men's cell was downstairs, the ladies' on the 3rd floor. yap, that's jem's cell leader's landed property home...brought the boys along, hoping ian will be taken care by jem's cell leader's 2 sons, then hoping nathan would join along coz they have a lot trains there, all the thomas train friends...but ah...i ended up taking care of them instead.

there's one thing i didn't share with you with regards to this cell...actually, not only because i don't have the chance to go, or due to all things related to my boys, that causing me not been able to attend cell, i was....a little upset with this so-called 'new leader' of mine ever since i got transfered.

for what i initially thought about my transfer...from one cell to another...i thought i'm under a new leader's care. i thought the leaders may have communicate among themselves "i transfer this member of mine under your care, or this member will be visiting your cell and here's her details". but after attending that night, i guess apparently not. in fact, on the very day after i got transferred, i've become homeless...i've become a visitor, not member of any cell.

anyway, whether visitor or member, i have an expectation, or maybe i learnt it from my previous church, zion praise harvest. if i know i'll have a visitor coming to visit my cell but not been coming, and this visitor was from another cell, and not like totally no details about him/her. i'll at least try to contact that person and find out more!!!

but i've never got any call, or sms from this new cell at all...none.

do i feel upset? yes...
but do i have the right to be upset? no....
our pastor khong always like to say this "if your leader is no good, or not up to your standard, then you make the move first! you go make the difference, don't judge"

i always tell jem how upset i was with this new cell of mine...got transfered out but after that no news from either cell. i really feel like kena dumped or nobody cares. then after complaining to him, started to scold myself again, "people don't make the move, i should make the move, i'm no new christian you know, should know jolly well about God's kingdom rule"

anyway, after struggling for so long, i finally make that first move.
went to the house...the men n women group are there, having some 'lou hei' before starting cell. i told jem's cell leaders' wife i'm attending their cell...then was busy with the boys. then....ooooi???!!! where are the ladies???? they went up to 3rd floor without informing me...i ended up having to ask the guys where they were. and seriously, i was a bit taken aback coz...i've already informed her i'm joining the cell, at least have the courtesy to tell me when you all are going up or where the cell is?! anywayz....

when the leader said "we have a visitor"...all of sudden, it strucked me...my goodness, guess i think too much all these months....maybe i've never been her 'new' member at all, maybe my ex-leader has never tell her about my intention to visit her cell, how on earth does she know of my existence??!!!...even if she does, she doen't have to call me to find out more coz am already an adult, am not new christian...not like student days where i need to be spoon fed...and she's an adult too, have working life, her own life to deal with, not like student day so 'eng' (ok, i'm talking about student life in perth days, i don't know much about singapore student lifestyle here).

so...throughout the cell, i walked in and out of the room, the boys kept calling me and i worried for their safety, ian and nathan like to walk out the room just like that....climbing up and down the 3-4 storey house!

then what....it happened to be the lady leader's birthday...to cut long story short...didn't know it meant to be a surprise, i told ian to sing her a birthday song...ian sang and danced in front of her...she got this "speechless" look and then i realised some other members actually secretly light up candles waiting to surprise her...orh ohhhhhh....

then what's next? after the eating cake session, the boys can't sit still and walked down the stairs....and the men's cell just ended, off we go...home...and the ladies still up there.

shouldn't have upset with her...she has done nothing wrong in the first place.

maybe i shouldn't bring my boys next time and try again...may experience different things.

but that visit would be my last time....you may expect me to try again yeah??? maybe i should

but i decided not to try anymore. problem lies with me, i'm just too petty, i don't feel welcome and comfortable. at least i know for sure now...i don't belong to any group. she doesn't need to be accountable to me. oh well, it has never been anyway so i have all the liberty to float around.

will continue to attend church service...
cell? hopefully can get to know some parents during the service and see how it goes from there...
but...as i've said before, i prefer to look for support outside the church...it seems to me that people from other churches show more support than my own :P...ok lah, shouldn't point finger to the church, i should be the one to kena shoot, so troublesome yeah :D

sorry, not very edifying entry...jem heard this story till he 'sian' already, haha.