i've been looking forward to do this....


going back to church!!!

arghhhh!!! i've not been attending church since nathan is born..and i'll make my way there next week, nathan will turn 3 months old exactly that day!

why take so long? because our family feels that nathan shouldn't expose to large crowd as newborn....so i can't go too.

oh anyway anyway and anyway!!! all this will come to an end! YES YES YES!!! i miss church very very very much.

just had another volcano erupted yesterday...not the real volcano, i'm talking about me...it lasted almost the whole day and only got myself to cool down finally when i decided to go for a walk. then managed to open up my golden mouth to talk to papa jem after that.

i don't know about you...as for me, sometimes when i'm angry or super upset, i simply wish the one i love could take side (even though i'm wrong, haaai yah, just let me feel good lah!!!) but my dear hubby who's being so objective, soooo neutral about the whole thing and using God's truth to tekan me, what shall i say then...*raise white flag* you win.

it's painful to hear THE TRUTH sometimes...
it's painful to act out THE TRUTH too...

hate it! hate it!!! hate it!!! yiaks yiaks yiaks! *kick*

it's time to go back to church...if miss church for one more week, i'll become gila soon.

oh thank God is next week. yohooohhhh FCBC, see you next week!!! muaks muaks muaks *jump jump jump*

i always have this xxx feeling (don't know what's the term to describe it) to go home and to go in laws' place.

on one hand, i miss my own home, i want my own space, to do things i want to do and to spend time alone with jem and my boys. on the other hand, i always feel guilty of bringing ian back. maybe i think too much or overly sensitive, he seems to feel bored. no matter how much i tried, i can never make my home as exciting as my in laws'. tried to bring whatever ian's favourite toys from in law's place to my home, he doesn't show as much interest as when he's there or doesn't play long at all. so he ended up watching tv most of the time.

oh well, can't compare this way right...there's only me, ian and nathan at home. ian has no one to play with when i'm taking care of nathan. he always want to have someone to play with him rather than alone. at in law's place, there are 4-5 people taking turns entertaining him.

still trying to get used to my new life where ian no longer that sticky to me. you know what, other than making him sleep, feeding, bathing and changing diapers, i'm transparent to him at other times when at in law's place or out shopping with them. whether i'm with nathan or without, he'll walk away when he sees me and look for other people to carry or play with him most of the time. that makes me depressed coz i kind of miss those "just want mommy" days. and ever since nathan is born (am not blaming on nathan okie...), i seriously think that ian may love them more than me...or prefer to be with them than with me. very insecure and silly huh :P

but thanks to papa jem who continuously assuring me his perspective. having grown up taken care by his grandparents, he always very grateful to have grandparents taking care of him when he's little, he shared with me of all the things they had done in the past and he loves them very much. each of the family member hold a special place in his heart and there's no such things as...love this person more than the others.

i don't know whether i can ever comprehend that 'special place for different family member' fully. i grew up with many maids changes over the years...i've never got emotional attached with anyone other than my parents.

having said that, isn't it good that ian close to other family members? of course is good! again, i just need to get rid of the selfish side of me.

uhmm...looks like this issue has been resurfaced over and over again...wish that will come to an end soon.

jem msged me yesterday. this is what he sms

"good thing ian is able to relate to others in family. will build his independence :) you'll always be his dear mommy too"

i'm touched to see this sms. uhmmm...i'm just thinking, if i still feel insecure....must always think of Papa in heaven...only He will make me feel secure...coz...

His love for me always be the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow.

we've got many visitors this week...my dad and brother in law, my in-laws' relatives from hong kong and kuantan. glad to see my dad again, i miss him dearly. he only came for 3 days and we only had less than 30 mins chat for that 3 days. no kidding...he's out to hospital whole day and i'm too busy with the 2 boys, cooking and house chores. i wish he can stay longer.

then we've got hong kong relatives staying at my in law's place. they told me this...

"you put on weight huh, connie "
this is my immediate reaction in my heart....

arghhhhhhh!!!! @#^%$#&* (am not speaking vulgarities here okie, i tend to speak this unknown language when things that i don't want to happen and it happens). ok, lets be honest here, especially ladies (except pregnant momma), who loves to hear this "you put on weight??!!"

WHO!!!!?? WHO???!!! WHO??!

unless you're super anorexic and have lots of room to grow fat, or to those who have super high metabolic rate, can eat 8 bowls of rice with lots of fatty food and yet still can't put on...then that's different story.

some women respond to this comment by eating lesser or start exercising...i actually attempted to eat lesser...but i know, eating lesser won't last...very soon i'll reward myself with loads of food for the hard work i made. haha, that's me.

i know jem doesn't mind and i thanked God that he doesn't restricted what and how much i eat (think i mentioned this before). and as God's children, i'm fully aware that God doesn't look at appearance but our hearts. i'm just....just very 'human' here okie, putting on weight DOES bother me. i simply want to maintain my weight and look nice for my hubby and for myself.

some of you may say "ai yaah, connie, you're not fat. now you look better when you put on weight, you're too thin last time"

alright, alright...i'm not saying i'm fat, i just want a bit thinner...or not putting on further.

not gonna tell you my weight now...all i'm telling you is i have 7 kilos to shed.

know of women who are pretty fleshy and still look good. they're God-fearing, lovely women. it's their inner beauty that make me feel that they're beautiful. they're not bothered by their appearance. i love this group of people. and i told myself, worst case scenario, if i still become fat in the end, i want to be a happy cheery fat fat cozai (very challenging goal).

so what's my plans? now that nathan and i are inseparable (that's what papa jem said)...because of breastfeeding and i have no time and sometimes lazy to pump out to bottle feed. i'll just try to exercise at home and walk more. when nathan's feed interval gets longer, will be more active in exercising.

if some of you think i put on weight, PLEASE TELL ME okie. i won't angry with you (what for and in fact i'm thankful for your honesty). it will only motivate me to do something (but definitely not silly thing, no worries, am forever a food lover)

facebook

i just joined facebook recently. believe it or not, i find it quite addictive (eh...since this is just the beginning). through it, i found out some ex-zion harvester update their facebook pretty actively, my childhood friend (ah loong) got married. raj has got 2 adorable daughters, and manage to see photos of friend whom i have not seen for at least 7 years.

what's happening with the 2 boys recently?
ian - refuse to wear his diaper after bath recently...and i constantly worry that he may pee (which he did for the past few days) everywhere. maybe is time to start toilet training yeah...i don't know how...all i do is to keep on telling ian "ian, if you want sh sh, please tell mommy yeah..."
he started to pick up some new words too! he can say "mom mom" (eating) and still REFUSEEEEE to call me mommy or mama!!! now he even know how to say daaaaddy, car car, nice tea, orh ohhhhh, A, B, C, D, E, F, X

nathan - known as 'mr frown prince'...always frowning, look pretty fierce sometimes. he loves people talking to him, and i love to see him smiling, cooing and responding. he's more talkative than ian. very cute!!!
my in laws took leave last tuesday, brought us to jurong imm. i slinged nathan for almost 6 hours...can't tell you how tired i am but i'm thankful to be able to go out, simply love it, have another new top again, yay....anyway, after that day, i told myself, must bring pram next time.

papa jem will bring us to the zoo when nathan turns 3-month old! hooray!! he's 2.5-month old now, how exciting!!! looking forward to that day! more outing please!

when i have 2

when i have 2
one wants me to sit down and eat his 'cooking' (ian is playing masak masak) another wants me to stand up and walk around

when i have 2
i have midnight shifts running among 3 rooms...
nathan wakes for feed...then back to my room
kor kor ian wakes up, fell off the bed....then back to my room
then nathan wakes up again, either didn't burp him properly or poo poo, then back to my room
kor kor ian wakes up shortly after that, coz nathan's cry woke him up
and again, kor kor ian wants me to sit down to settle him back to sleep, nathan cries wanting me to stand up to walk him around till fall back to sleep...

when i have 2, the young one is carried in front...the older one is piggy back

when i have 2, i feed both at the same time. one hand feed kor kor ian lunch/meal...another hand hold the head...nursing

don't think will have number 3...i have no other parts of body to share liao.

zoom zoom zoom

finally i got to drive our car today, haha. it's been 2 months since we got it and i don't have the opportunity to drive out....oh i did...just driving forward and reverse in the carpark.

i think papa jem is a bit nervous...let me tell you why...

jem: "watch out the car!!!" a truck was turning into the carpark as i drove out
jem: "remember to signal"
jem: "can you overtake the lorry?"

i'm nervous too, and i prayed for journey mercy. can't remember when was the last time i drove and what's more, that's a new car. if some of you never see me arguing with jem...join us in the car...and make sure i'm the driver!

why? first of all, papa jem not quite confident of my driving skills, so there's a lot of well meaning comments while i'm driving. whereas i'm so stressed out by his comments that i got frustrated. but of course, things get better now after we talked about it. he's more encouraging ever since then...

another thing is...about street directory.
i don't know whether you agree with this, people always say this:
men doesn't like to ask directions, women doesn't know how to read maps/street directory

i agree...coz i'm one of them.

example...
jem: "can you check out how to get to this xxx road?"
connie: "huh? orh...where are we now?" checking out road name, flipping street directory, oh no, by the time i check out the road, jem drove way past that long time already.
jem: "can you find it?"
connie: "urhhhhhh...hold on ah...still looking" where? where? where? panic sets in
jem: "deary, can you find it? we've just past xxx road, we're heading cte already"
connie: "urh....ok...wait ah...urh..."
jem: give up....stop car by this road side, and take over the street directory

nathan will be 2 month old tomorrow...

things started to settle down a bit. get to know nathan's 'seh' more nowadays. routine still not established and i simply go with the flow...just offer milk when he demands :P, no longer looking at the clock and wake him up for feed like ian last time. honestly, looking at nathan, i seriously think he's not the follow routine type :P. kudos to mommies who can establish routine to all their children!!!

anyway, i decided to be more open about ah po's suggestions...i'll just say yes or ok. e.g.

when nathan sleeps super long, ah po said just let him sleep (for ian, i woke him up when times up - follow the 3-hour routine very tightly)
when nathan wants milk even though i just fed him one hour ago, ah po said "zhengyu hungry, better give him milk", i give (for ian, die die won't give till time's up)

so what's my finding so far? i'm not so uptight like before, without looking at the clock and do all the must (e.g. must sleep by this time, must feed by this time, must keep him awake at this time), simply looking at baby's cue, baby can be pretty easy to take care :P. baby grows well, double-chin :P, can differentiate day and night, there're nights he slept for good 5-6 hours, is a bonus to me.

making 2 boys to sleep at night was a big challenge for me...nathan wants to be carried to sleep, ian also wants hug hug from me...(how? i've got only one body *headache*). ian is not happy coz he think nathan as a invader, took away his 'mommy makes me sleep' moments from him. then very often, he'll point at the bouncer, telling me to put nathan down on the bouncer so that i can hug him. he has been hitting, pinching, biting me for attention too.
i asked the mommies from forum (and of course, i pray and ask God for help), how to make the younger one to sleep without carrying...some suggested swaddling.

does it work?

it works!!! but not all the times especially day time.

but i'm very thankful for that, it's better than nothing right??!! especially for the past 2 nights, after giving him last dose of breastmilk to make him sleepy, i swaddled him and he fall asleep by himself...and i hug hug ian after that ;). really thank God for that. wish this still works in days to come :D