conversation with jem last night

"i'm on diet tomorrow...will eat lesser"
"i thought today?"
"no no no...tomorrow"

today
6:21am - woke up (thanks to ian...)
7:15am - having breakfast with parents - eat ian's leftover bread (uhmm...good start)
9am - char kuey teow + a bit of ban mian + teh
1pm - skip lunch...still full
1:30pm-4:48pm - ian's nap is exceptionally long today... (feeling a bit hungry now)
5:15pm - had a piece of bread with strawberry jam and milo for tea break (great! just nice, not too full and no longer hungry)
5:30pm - mom 'dabao' chicken wings and yong tao fu (ok...am going to eat a bit during dinner)
7pm - 3 bowls of soup + rice + chicken
9:45pm - mom 'dabao' hokkien mee (mind you, the hokkien mee in malaysia is different from singapore, the noodle here is super thick with thick black sauce and loaded with fried pork fat!)
alright...since hokkien mee's noodle is so thick...going to eat half...
uhm...not enough...finished the entire packet!

that's my diet...and this consider a bit lesser...other days i eat more than that...will not go into it...it's it's it's unbelievable.

think it's hard to go on diet here (ok ok...maybe shouldn't blame them, simply i have no self control)...i met quite a few familiar faces...i mean people i don't really know but saw them often during my secondary school days....9/10, they look very different...all expanded horizontally. even for myself, i felt my tummy suddenly grow bigger for the past one week...ok i know i'm pregnant but not that fast right?

well-meaning people often tell me "eat more eat more, you're eating for 2 now"
eh hum....let me clarify something...when i had my scan 2 weeks ago, my baby weighs 263g only. tell me...plssssssssssssssss tell me, how much can a 263g baby eats or absorbs. probably 1% goes to nathan, the rest is me loh!!!!
but i can't fight back...coz...i still eat that much.

and this is the only thing that probably makes me want to go back to singapore...the weight conscious society. ok look...not that singapore will make me not eating...just that people surrounded me are not the type who likes to eat out often and because some of them eat like mice, it tends to remind me not to be too greedy :P so i always eat 'just nice' and not always 'too full' like i do now.

anyway, will go on diet tomorrow...eat just nice...not too full...just nice ok...just nice.

his name is

nathan

meaning - God has given/Gift from God
pronounced as - NAY-than

that's our boy boy #2's name.

we shortlisted many names: julian (which intended for ian initially and it means youthful), jae (name as short as ian), gabriel, nathan. not only do i feel bad for not been talking much to him as compared to his brother...his name also took longer time to decide.

just tell you briefly why nathan is shortlisted...firstly, jem thought of this name first when we found out is a boy. then there's this prophet nathan in the bible, we read about his profile in the life application bible...we like the meaning behind the name of this prophet.
so long as you don't think we like this name because of president nathan can liao! my mom in law once said nathan sounds like indian name...like 'naa than naa than'...and some people may pronounce it that way, in fact, my little niece pronounced 'naa than' when she first saw the name 'nathan' too...so....it did hold me back from wanting to decide on this name for a while....

but of course, if pronounce correctly, don't sound like indian right???!!!

anyway, to cut long story short.

papa jem advised me to ask baby.
i woke baby up by shaking my tummy :P (so bad)...and asked him...to kick me if he prefers julian or nathan...no immediate response lah, i asked many times in fact....and some movements were so mild till i didn't even know whether he answered me!!! then there's one kick that i felt strongly shortly after i mentioned 'nathan'. so we decide on the name nathan by faith.

so ladies and gentlemen, our second son...

nathan liang

feeling melancholic today...

many things in my mind today but as usual, ended up wanting to sleep after thinking too long. suspect i might be getting dementia when i'm old, coz i simply don't use my brain often :P probably that's why i have simple mind but also a fool.

ian woke up very early today, making noise to wake me up...looking at my handphone, it's 6:21am!!! grrrrrhhhhh!!!

anyway, as i mentioned...today seems to be monday blue, makes me think many things in life...but with no answers.

these are the things i've been thinking when ian is napping.

- how my life would be when boy boy #2 arrives? we decided not to have maid, we both not comfortable with non-family member stay under one roof, whatsmore, expensive to have one too...would rather jem pay me (i'm cheaper)...so how? no life? new life? or more fulfilling life...how to make that happen?

- what shall we name our boy?

- many people have been advising jem to get a car, i've been wondering is it really become a need when baby #2 is here. will taxi be sufficient? how often will we use the car, will we drive everywhere when we've got a car (doubt so, papa jem loves to stay home). use the car to see doctor? how often do the kids need to see doctor? or use the car to drive to and fro sengkang and bishan every day? how long can that last?

- have i been a good helper (as described in the bible) for jem. feeling helpless and useless whenever jem shared his thoughts to me...i always have nothing to comment or even offer sound advice.

- running out of things to play with ian now...what else? my boy has such a short attention span, flash card is a no no to him. he loves real things...no fake handphone but real one....and at times, i simply too tired, not wanting to move, not wanting to do anything. been a lazy and bad mom...some moms read story books and do a lot of educational stuff for their babies/children...me not been doing that...my boy will look away and do other stuff before i can finish one sentence...how?

- now that i'm free from doing housework..only eat, play and rest...how's my relationship with God. been reading bible when ian is sleeping...reading, searching for something...but don't know what is it. longing for something, but not getting it...

- uhmm...feel like going back to perth...how life would be in perth?

- tired....zzzz (after stop thinking for 5 mins)

ian is up...

it's good to share God's goodness over the blog sometimes, especially what He had done to people i know.

for those of you who know inez. what God has done for her really dumbfounded me. inez and david got to sell their current 3x1 weather board house as they found a very nice and bigger 4x2 storey house recently. getting ready to start a family soon, so need bigger space eh :D. in order to make their loan application approved and without any complication, they got to sell their house within a time frame.

sometimes i wonder, perth has so many houses out for sale out there...what are the chances of getting spotted and buyer willing to make the offer there and then. i felt chances are pretty slim. and when it's closer to end of the time frame...anyone would get desperate and anxious yeah, if i'm the one, i'll freak out.

but God is always good and listen to His children's prayer, amen!!!
inez got a buyer finally! and guess who is the person???!!!

the person who sold them the house is their buyer. so what they will be doing is swapping the house when everything is settled.

God has good sense of humour yeah. how often do you get that?

isn't it good to have Someone to turn to? and He's ever trustworthy. i know not every prayer can be answered to the timing we wanted or some prayers not even get answered. but i know...His reasons is always the best...and when He answers our prayer, it's always dumbfounded and the timing always perfect. that's my dearest Jesus.

Isaiah 55:8-9

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.

God is good and He's amazing

ALL THE TIME!!!

what's the lesson learnt for yesterday?

honor your parents

it's always good to have spouse having the same faith as you, coz when you do something wrong, he/she can easily quote any verse from the bible to remind you or tekan you :P agree??!!
that's exactly what happened to me.
i'm angry over a minor issue...pregnancy taboo! i really think cantonese or chinese people has a lots of 'no no' during and after pregnancy...and some of it doesn't make any sense at all.

- stay away when someone is drilling the hole
- stay away when someone is painting the house, else your baby will have birth mark
- not eating lamb during pregnancy with the belief that it may cause the baby to have epilepsy.
- eating pineapple is believed to cause miscarriage.
- bathing (body and hair) and blowing cool air is not allowed for 1 month after giving birth else will have aching bones when old
- ....etc

my hometown has this popular bbq lamb and i'm dying to eat ok...and i was told
"no, you can't eat lamb"
my eldest sis said "if i'm eating lamb, a lot of people around me will scold me"

i made myself very clear to them that i don't buy in all these old folks tales. i don't see any correlation between lamb and epilepsy...yeah...if you notice, the pronunciation of word lamb is similar to the word for epilepsy in chinese. i argued that if that's the case, all the mongolian babies would have suffer epileptic fit...mongolians need to eat lambs to keep warm....interestingly, none of these people can explain to me WHY can't eat...all they said is 'the old people said'.

my mom bought chicken and lamb satays...distribute all the lamb satays to the rest except me...and they did it rather secretly. was so mad that i said something rather disrespectful
"it's ok, you don't let me eat here, i can eat when i go back to singapore"....the rest kept quiet.

so as usual, i poured out all my anger to mr papa jem, all he said "honor your parents"
win already loh! use God's word! felt so convicted till i felt so bad...because it's true, i'm not respecting my family, and although all these 'no no' doesn't make sense to me, but they meant well.

anyway, have to forgo my wishlist 'bbq lamb'....that's one of my top makan list :P! haha

think it's more important to honor my parents than to have my wish list fulfilled.

i'm home! and finally got to access internet in my mom's office.

ok ok...here's the long awaited news. going to announce you my baby #2 gender. for those of you who voted girl...looks like it's gonna disappoint you, momma cozai is going to have another

BOY!!!

think papa jem must be very happy...being a practical man...all the clothes can be reused! ian has the priviledge to have first hand clothes, baby #2 has the priviledge to wear seasoned clothes (more comfortable)

very thankful that papa jem took the time to go for the scan with me. he's super busy lately and we were late for our appointment that day...so was quite far behind the queue..:(. he almost have to miss the appointment because he has a meeting to attend but i must thank God that he got the opportunity to see baby in the end. 3 persons witnessed (the nurse, myself and jem) that our baby is a boy.

haven't decided baby #2 name...shortlisted 3...and still deciding.

glad to be home in tawau, malaysia. most of my load are lightened by maids, parents and my sis' family (her 4 kids)...they help me to carry and play with ian. enjoying the luxury lifestyle of not having to do housework...haha...
lots of food and i have to have lots of self control not to overeat....i still have another 2.5 weeks here. slowly slowly :D

lost my bible...the one i'm bringing everywhere with me *sigh*

in fact, i actually not sad over the lost of the bible itself, coz bible can be replaced...but there're certain things cannot be replaced...i have one mini card that's very sentimental to me and of course all God's spoken rhema words to me...which i noted with dates and some personal notes in it. the mini card which i hold dearly was the first card i received when i first joined zion praise harvest...it's from jacQ. back in those days, to receive that card is a big thing to me...coz i didn't expect to receive anything from church people as a newcomer. i felt the warmth and loved you know.

so...for the past few days...searching high and low in both bishan and sengkang...i've been wondering...is it because God doesn't want me to hold on to the past rhema words (uhmm....in fact, i don't rely on that at all)...and start anew? haha...cannot anyhow use God's name yeah :P! losing it already feeling sad, have to find something...something to make myself to move on. haizzz!!! if want my bible, just takeeeeeee, return me my card!!! where are you, bible????!!!!

can't go on attending church without bible...set my mind to go tecman at bras basah...to get a new bible tomorrow! yes! new bible tomorrow and at the same time praying and hoping my old one will appear one day.

brought ian out for a swim last wednesday...this was his 3rd time swimming. he cried and peed on me when i took him into the pool...uhmm...my body felt warm coz of the pee...:P so different as compared to his first time...thing is age related...when younger, he's less aware of the surrounding...he smiled and in fact enjoyed a lot in his first swim. second swim...wrong timing...brought him when that was his nap time, he was a bit 'gonnng gonnng' and not smiling at all...no expression. 3rd swim...cry...and took almost 30 mins to warm up and starting enjoying the pool.

had a chat with jem recently...
me: "ian only able to speak 'baba mama, mom mom'...i see some other kids whose younger than him can speak some other words already, the only thing that he grows fast is his teeth...almost full bloom :D"
jem: "yeah...just like his mother, talk little but eat a lot"

based on my observation, think ian is a bit like me...a bit timid and....greedy. he loves all other people's food except his own. when he just woke up from nap, he'll start saying 'mom mom'...(want to eat)...grandpa happened to be having tea break, he ran towards him and started opening his mouth. i went to surf the net...and after one hour, still see him eating. haha...thank God he has such good appetite and not fussy over adult food. good good good.

uhm...think my latest entry make some of you worry huh...apple messaged me (in msn messenger) after she read mine...

thanks apple, thanks for your concern.
just to let you (and the rest) know that i won't leave God no matter what may happen to me. i still love God deep deep...just no action only :P

church
after experiencing listening online last sunday, i feel nothing beats going to church.

social life
the mother i met from the mothers support group happened to be christian too. we had great time sharing last week, and she just introduced me another mother who is a christian as well. it's great to have some mom support group with the same beliefs. thank God for that, and we'll try to meet more often, to encourage and pray for one another.



okie dokies. trying to rest early now...(looks like i sleep later and later again)....heard some mommies said that if the mother has the habit of sleeping late, baby will be too.

God heard me.

After sharing with you abt my desert-like spiritual life, something different happened yesterday :D. as usual, we attended church service, while we were walking our way to church , i told God that i hope to hear from Him...with high expectation this time...not that i never ask Him before, don't know why...somehow i knew that sunday will be a different sunday to me.

speaking to Him in my heart...i told Him
"look, God, i know You love me despite my faithlessness, i knowwwwww, and i don't need You to prove me again that You love me unconditionally (ha...He doesn't need to anyway). i know i cannot depend on feeling all the time...to feel loved...to feel Your presence...
i have nothing to give You, offer You or even do whatever things You desires me to do...i.e. spread Your words, be a good testimony. all i want is to enjoy the service...not get distracted...and at least...some part of sermon applicable to me.

so...during service...surprisingly, ian sat pretty quietly during worship session, even there're people passing by, i was not distracted. was able to concentrate fully on the worship, and touched by the words too...some worship songs express all the words i wanted to tell God...what's more, during the sermon, ian slept throughout :P . remember i mentioned abt 'predestined'? pastor talked abt that too...i got a shock initially, coz ...isn't that what i've just mentioned recently? didn't get to listen further though (probably only 30%)...tried to, but was in the nursing section, ian was asleep and there're children shouting and playing outside, can't hear most parts at all. uhm..going to listen online when the sermon is uploaded. guess that's a memorable day to me, sat on the chair not moving for the entire sermon, ian slept so soundly, whereas i sat till my backside pain. but i thanked God for that opportunity to listen sermon without having to chase, feed and carry ian around, not having to get distracted by other things, just sitting and listening...

going back to sengkang tomorrow night! yayyyy!!! finally...after 2 weeks in bishan. miss my home though...and it's going to be tiring week as there're only ian and myself at home but i don't mind, i love it!!!!! been trying to bring ian out for a swim (to kill time) but the weather has been fantastic, either very windy or water kept pouring from the sky. nevermind, just enjoy these cooling period before the dry spell come in months to come.

can't wait...
in less than 2 weeks. i'll be able to find out my little baby gender, can't wait to think of names, calling him/her by name.
in less than 2 weeks, i'll be going back to my dear home town, tawau.
in less than a week, there'll be IT show this coming weekend!!! hope to have good deals for handphones. i'm dying to change it! (uhmm...not dying lah...just...changing new phone can be quite exciting sometimes)

didn't attend church last week. jem suggested to listen sermon online...he felt that both of us can't listen to sermon in church all the time, wanting to give it a try at home, since ian can be taken care by in laws.

oh well, we thought the sermon would be live broadcast like city harvest church, but actually not, so we listened to the week before sermon instead.

and yes, we get to listen the sermon clearer and all the points at home...coz we can pause when ian came in to join us and continue listening when he's not around. but somehow i still prefer going to church.

really don't know what to do...

attend church = can't listen to sermon
stay at home = can listen to sermon

sometimes i ask myself, what's the point of going when my heart always not there. how does God feel? will God pleased with a person who has the heart to go to church but the heart is not totally focus on Him when there.

i really don't want to give my unsaved in-laws the impression that we christians don't have to attend church.

honestly, am not sure whether it's nice to share here or reflect myself or my dear church badly...oh anyway...if you think is bad, think of me as bad okie...not my church...it's me me me!!!! may the Lord deal with me slowly.

alright...maybe is just me. i've not been very excited abt church sermon for a long time...even worship...simply like...what's the word? indifference???
standing in front of the screen, i sing the word, but am not excited...am definitely not into praise and worship God, just...sing.
listening to the sermon, my ears are there, but not into the heart...whether to listen or not to listen, that moment is like it's not so critical to me...i don't know how to describe it...it's like feeling bored? or i have this thought that the sermon is always not ministering to me. listening for the sake of listening.

i was once discussed with jem abt this...thinking to changing church, blaming on church sermon is boring and not ministering...worship as well.
but in the end, dropped that idea coz i made a statement myself...if the church has excellent sermon and yet my life still not changed, what's the difference...

ok...i'm talking abt the past again. when i was in perth, zion praise harvest, it's the sermon i heard changed my life. i found it applicable and ministering...and i went bk to reflect and pray and God helped me through it. then i told myself, i was a new born again christian then...everything is new...maybe that makes the sermon exciting...new!

being a christian for long time, maybe knowing too much...so much till you know what you should do but you don't do.
- i know when i go to church, i come to bless God, not just purely receive.
- i know it's better to give than to receive
- i know it's the heart that need to change, if indifference, ask God for help...spend time with Him, pray and seek Him earnestly, fast if i need.
- i know it's the heart that needs to make the choice and extra effort, not just relying on 'feeling'

i know and yet i didn't do.

and because i know i have so many things in my life that make God not please abt me...all i can do now is to attend church faithfully...my heart may not be there..but that's the best i can do right now...attend!!! then get my heart right slowly.

went to see gynae yesterday...could have been able to tell you baby gender by now...but my dear little baby's legs closed up tight like army and sleeping too...gynae can't check for me. i'm only in my 15 weeks, and was surprised gynae wanted to show me baby gender...recalling my 1st pregnancy, even in my 18th week, he didn't even show us baby gender. anyway, will let you know after 2 weeks! gonna have a detailed scan, definitely will find out by then.

when i read other people's blog, sometimes i feel they're living the life, jacQ is having a very healthy lifestyle, she exercises everyday, other things like going out watching movie with friends, having drink, active church life. she shares her view over certain matters, love to talk abt her family, how close and how much she cherish them. simply like to read her blog.

sometimes i wish i can have that kind of lifestyle too...but i guess when little one is added into our life, whether i want it, life simply different. working parents with child has different kind of lifestyle, stay at home parent with child also different too. in fact, when jem and i decided that i'll be the caregiver for ian, i didn't expect my life will have such a drastic change. no comment for the better or worst okie...all i want to say is...we're in different phase of life. hehe, trying to make more effort to make my life more meaningful and active. am not saying my life with ian is meaningless, just want to make it more meaningful, and involving him in everything i do.

brought ian down for a walk yesterday...used to sling him when he's little baby, then pram him ard when he's getting heavier...now i'm pushing an empty stroller, he's walking around happily. someone once shared that once become parents, we'll learn a lot abt God from our children. i feel it's so true. there's this verse in the bible, talking abt God predestined us...

Ephesians 1:11-12
In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.

i'm not sure whether it's applicable but just shared anyway...God always predestined his children for the good of His purpose...i used to dislike this 'predestined' word..you heard a lot from the movies...whether you died young or old, it's all predestined that kind of statement.

what am i talking abt now...

ahhh....anyway, i kind of 'predestined' ian where we should go, i intended him to walk together with me to the canal, fresh and windy air, but my dear little ian always got distracted by cat, motorcycles, cars and even the sound of the drain. lots of detours! the moment when i make him bk on path, the next second, only to see him go somewhere else...the canal which supposed to be a 1 min short distance, we ended up there after 1 hour (yeah, i have to put him in the stroller in order to reach the canal). i simply followed him, he happily walked ard, picking up dirt, squarting, sitting and touching the cat, and love to go to the main road where all the cars passing by...dirty, dangerous paths, he loves to go and don't know what is the word 'danger'. all i do is to make sure he doesn't get hurt.

that reminds me of God too. we're like babies loves to detour too...but God will still stay by our side, watching, guiding and protecting us and never leave us a single moment. i'm thankful for having a faithful God.

been staying at home most of the time...the only time i was out (which is the longest time) with ian was yesterday..out from 8:30am till 6 plus. went to see thyroid specialist in the morning, then rush to go to my friend's place (got to know from mother's group) place, intended to have swimming session for the kids but ended up raining whole afternoon...just chatting and sharing....then went bk to hospital again, to see gynae! ian was out with me whole day. he enjoyed himself a lot.

nice to go out long long once in a while! yay.