the boys' new table (^^)

decided to make playdough for the boys again...we bought a new table for the boys recently, very light weighted table and children chair from toyogo, i absolutely love it coz the boys finally can do a lot of activities with that table rather than on the playmat. i used different playdough recipe this time and lay a big plastic sheet below the table...thank God it saved me lots of cleaning...still need to clean, just lesser and easier :D.

ian still sit on the walker, just for fun only...then i sat nathan behind him...they had lots of fun doing that...but of course, i have to chase behind just to make sure nathan didn't fell off.

i've lots of christian book collection...bought from koorong christian bookstore in perth. back in uni days, most of us were on fire for God...serving Him actively in church, bought many books to improve spiritual life. There's a period of time, my ex-cell leader yih chong prayed and said am an intercessor, was so excited i have this kind of gifting, i went to buy books about prayers, was very proud that i finished the entire book, with all the highlights and underlines and put them into practice :P, of course, we all hope to hear from God, i bought books about how to hear from God, Holy Spirit i thirst for You...etc. then i wish can be like david who is a man after God's own heart, i bought books about woman God can use, or any books that says about what women can do for God.

what else? when ps patrick preached about bgr (boy girl relationship) sermons, all the singles in church pays extra extra extra attention...it's all time favourite sermon those days...we had uncle philip to preach about how to choose our spouse during the workshop.....i must admit i had lots of fun those days. so what books i bought? 'the fourth dimension' from paul yonggi cho and 'passion and purity'.

now...i dare not even touch any of the 'how to improve' your spiritual books...dare not? or simply feeling guilty...? for not able to live up with it? maybe that's what i'm thinking now...if i read, i didn't do, i'll feel guilty.

last year, the best book i should read is 'the bait of satan'...jem asked me to read it based on the circumstances i face those day....let me tell you, every page i read was a struggle...coz i know what i should do, simply hate the book for reaffirming it.

as you can see the photo above, the boys happily spilt out all the books and that was their BEDTIME okie! i was sitting on the mattress waiting for them to feel tired...ian flipped every page as though he's reading and then passed it to me "mommy read!".

as i trying to put the books back to the shelf and the boys continue to bring down all the books. i saw a book titled 'don't just stand there, pray something'
you know, i always remember this verse sth like this, "the prayer of the upright avails much"...i presume this 'upright' means people who's living a 'purpose driven life', everything is God purpose...i have no doubt God listens to that prayer. how about people like myself? if i take 'purpose driven life' test, my score sure '0'! didn't attend cell for ages, attend services less frequent due to various reasons recently, didn't pray as much as i should, didn't spend time with Him as much as i should...i still pray..but wonder how effective is my prayer...or will you say it's not what you do, God sees the heart?? yeah...how about this 'faith without works' is dead? anyway, am not getting anywhere here...getting confusing again. till now, i still don't know whatever i pray is 'effective'...i still pray....not a lot, but still do.

finally, saw another book...it's not about any of 'improving your spiritual books'. it was a gift from betty titled 'stories for a woman's heart', just short stories to encourage women's souls. yeah, feel thankful and...uhmm...don't know how to describe that feeling...something like ...relief? relax? not so tense? soothing?? no need to do something, just sit down to get encouragement...just short stories, simple stories...good enough for me.

sorry mate, intended to update my blog but i'm not up to it recently.

after ah bo's checked-in to heaven, we've got another relative from my mother in law side passed away last thursday. this is very sudden. we were told he was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer recently, jem visited him many times in hospital, even told me this uncle was one who's very positive, always look well and lively. as for myself, whenever i see him in any gathering, he's always smiling and joking, very easy going old man. jem intended to visit him on father in law's operation day (last thursday)...then after 5 mins, another sms from jem, he passed away.

i didn't attend the 2 days wake and the cremation yesterday. jem preferred me to stay back to take care of the boys...you may read joyce's blog to find out more.

father in law is at home now, discharged yesterday (saturday). he's well, lost a fair bit of weight...he told me he weighed 62kg before the op, now is 60kg. saw the tube on his tummy, he'll be having his meal through that tube from that day onwards. father in law is still cheeky though...after the maid poured 'ensure' milk through the tube into his tummy which took less than 5 mins, he said "i just had my lunch" :P. not easy though...hopefully, father in law is a eat-to-live person, maybe slightly easier to cope as compared to live-to-eat person like me.

throughout this period, it's important to have support group to stay by our side. staying in singapore for so long, i've still yet to find someone i can really confide with...no matter how low my spirit is, life still have to go on with the boys...then when something happened, you wouldn't believe i have to sms my close friends in australia to ask them for prayer instead of somewhere as near as my own local church. don't want to explain why, the conclusion is all my fault can liao.

during ah bo's wake, my ex-ex-cell group came to the wake...i'm very touched, coz though i'm no longer in that cell, they still came...not one, but many of them.

till yesterday, i received a call....from someone dear to my heart whom i've not talked for more than a year...betty from sydney :D. knew this friend from zion praise harvest back in student days in perth.

just listen to her voice, i'm comforted and very very very happy. we chatted for a while, updated each other's life...i felt much much much better after that...and that's why i can blog now....feeling better.

so what have i been doing to make myself feel a little better?

i've been visiting food blog again and again. made banana cake, and now hoping to try out making brownie! i bought brownies from chocolat & spices recently...wahhh sehhhh!!! heaven!!!! been surfing the net to find out any recipe that is close to that...found a brownie recipe, they called it 'outrageous brownie'...i'm going to try out this week...hopefully....if failed, i'll see if my neighbours like it :D. if i ever find out my perfect brownie recipe, i'll post it on the blog cum my proud brownie pictures.

this is one of my favourite chinese song. first heard it when i was in perth, a friend gave us a tape, about this Christian actor (i think is from singapore) was diagnosed with nose cancer (or maybe tumor) days after his wedding. his wife is a hong konger, went through a lot too, having difficulties with her in laws' due to language barrier. he's a very handsome guy, but because of the tumor, his whole face was disfigured. to cut the long story short, his wife was with him all the way till the day he went to the Lord, his whole family accepted Christ and both his wife and his family has reconciled. at the end of the story, she sang this song...and that really touched my heart. my church sing this song quite a lot too, but i didn't know this song also commonly used in funeral.

《主是我力量》
if you want, you may click on the song title to listen to the song

主是我力量我力量
主是患难中力量
主是我帮助我帮助
主是随时帮助

主是避难所我避难所
主是坚固避难所
主是我力量我帮助
惟主是避难所

大地虽会改变
高山虽会摇动
大海翻腾大浪战抖
但我们却不害怕

喂哦 喂哦 喂哦 喂哦

she's one who is close to my heart. we have plans for her. jem once told me that he intended to want her stay with us when she retired. we both agreed and looking forward to that day to come, we'll take care of her. and she'll get to enjoy playing with our boys. God thinks otherwise, He has better plan.

monday
------
on that night, jem was bathing ian, ian who doesn't normally call any people during his bath suddenly said "bo po"...jem asked him why suddenly called bo po, he kept quiet and continued playing water...few minutes after that, joyce called...asked jem to go hospital asap....then she called again...she's gone.

i can't go to hospital...have to take care of the boys, their bedtime. as usual, the boys still playing and ian kept asking me to sing his favourite songs. i'm already crying and still have to sing. ian saw me cry, he cried too, kept asking me 'mommy, don't cry', as for nathan, i have to keep watch of him of potential accident as he kept crawling, touching everything in the room. poor ian, was in very emotional state that night, kena a lot of scolding from me.

tuesday
-------
the boys' bedtime again, while the boys are playing on the mattress, ian suddenly said "gong dou, po dou cry" (great-grandpa and great-grandma cry). i'm stunned, ian doesn't even know what's happening to the family said something like that. am just thinking, maybe ian has got a sensitive spirit.

wednesday
--------------
can only go to ah bo's wake on 2nd day. i just couldn't believe when i finally get to see her again, her spirit is not there anymore. as i looked at her...all the memories of her kept flashing back at the back of my mind, look again, the ah bo i once know is not moving anymore. i can't count how many times have i gone to see her, if i don't see her now, i'll have no more chance tomorrow. but deep inside me, i knew...all i see is a body, she's in better place, i'll see her again. still, i kept looking at her, i can't visit her in hospital, trying to make sth up by looking at her...i know is useless..still i kept looking at her.

thursday
-----------
ah bo's cremation day. ah gong and ah po didn't go, it's too much for them. i dreaded to see when her coffin was carried into the 'van'. we all cried. then all the cars followed behind the van to mandai crematorium...the journey was unbearable. the thought of not able to see her again just....

i always heard about him from my family...so good in acting till can get oscar award. i witnessed it myself finally. you can tell whether a person is genuinely sad from their expression.... i saw him trying very hard to act sad and even to squeeze out a drop of tear from his eyes. idiot!

the moment has come...we were in a room, looking down the coffin through a glass window...they played a hokkien christian song "牵我的手". that was the most emotional moment...to see the coffin slowly moving towards the furnace and then the doors are closed from further viewing.

we will see her again....one day. i knew she's with Jesus now. everybody is still grieving...i miss her terribly, kept thinking about her, what we did in the past...

but then again...she's in better place now, much much much better place.

she's gone...

with Jesus

that's all i can tell you now...

white

if i ever have the opportunity to have a bigger or redo kitchen, i'll make it all white. my kitchen bench will be solid surface. my new and built-in oven will be around my height level. something like the pictures below...got it from ikea

don't go and tell jem i want a new kitchen or time to move house okie. you'll get swollen lips, that's a very gentle punch from me. am just telling you my dream kitchen...maybe next time is dream car...mini cooper? beetle volkswagon? it's nice to voice out all impossible dreams!

anyway, i don't quite like white kitchen last time...maybe i got the influence from my mother in law...she loves white...my in laws always say baby looks best in white, shirt, shorts...anything..even the baby cot, kitchen, bath mat...etc...semua putih!!!

i disagreed with her - initially...kids should wear colorful shirts, if only white, it'll be so boring. then i also think white gets dirty easily and the dirt is more obvious to spot too. so i will buy all the different color shirts for ian, whereas my mom in law will always get white for his grandson. kitchen? from day 1 when we first got our home, and went to choose material and color for our kitchen...my mom in law never fail to suggest 'connie, white is nice'. i didn't heed her advice.

after months of observation....yes, i finally agree with her...the boys really look nice in white...other color is nice too, but i feel white is the best.

my kitchen has no ant for the past 4.5 years. and now...a lot of them!!! %^%$#$#@. in times like this, i wish i have a white top, to kill as much as i can and dump them in the deep sea of rubbish!

can't continue now, nathan is up from his nap and kept wanting to touch my comp...

bye

this is what the boys do when i'm busy preparing food or cleaning in the kitchen

here's the world's best scones...ah gong's scone. sorry cannot reveal recipe, i can only tell you one secret ingredient in this scone....i.e.

love

though a lot of things happening lately, life still goes on.

ian talks a lot nowadays....the moment we got into the car, he would talk and sing non-stop from our home to his grandparents' place.

we bought another car seat last week, for safety reason, we prefer both boys on car seat than me having to carry nathan all the time. nathan seems to settle pretty well on it except when he's tired. ooooohh, i drove the car with the boys alone for the first time this week too, jem went to malaysia, left his car behind :D. i pray quite a lot that day :P, journey mercy and of course, i hope nathan won't fuss, am not worry about ian, he'll just sing and not affected by his bro's cry, in fact he will say "di di! don't cry!". thank God, the journey was great, nathan just woke up from nap and he kept smiling when i looked at him, thru the mirror of course ;P

oh...i baked banana muffins this week too. didn't take photos coz forgot. the banana muffins turned out not very sweet, jem said 'ok' but i like it very much. think this is my 3rd time using banana as an ingredient to bake, the 1st 2 times was a flop! can't remember what i did to them, think i stored them in the fridge till cannot be eaten anymore and give myself excuse to throw away.

i got 2 recipes from the food blog, one is oven fried chicken wings and steamed rice with salmon topping. jem likes the chicken wings, just hope the wings crispier...i'll try to improve next time. as for the steamed rice with salmon topping...the way it turned out from my cooking is completely different from the food blog. jem got stomach ache after half an hour....rice too soggy, the 'liao' too spicy and still lau sai the next day. i'm alright...nothing happened to me.

yesterday, however was an unforgettable night...nowadays, whenever ian wants to poo poo, he'll tell me "mommy, uhm uhm!" and i'll bring him the potty. then after his business, i would throw into the toilet bowl. but last night...his poo poo is a bit heavy, as i threw, the 'sai' water splashed into my left eye. yioks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i washed very very very long and rinsed my eyes with running water....mannnn....still feel there's 'something' in my eye after that...thank God i'm alright now. yioks!

uhmmm...told you ian's kindy would be near in laws' place next year yeah. which means i don't have to cook, busy with housework and take care of the boys alone but which also means no more privacy liao. though i'm busy at home now, i love doing it, busy with the boys, always dying to bath but only can bath after they sleep at night...blah blah blah, i like to have my own space, to do whatever i want. i know there's a lot of freedom at in laws' place and i can tell you with all my heart, the liang household people are super duper wonderful people to stay with, they're easy going and lots of love in the family, and glad to be part of the liangs, still....i prefer a place of my own....i know in times like this, it's best for the 2 boys be around for their great-grandparents and grandfather....keep them busy and mind occupied....am just speaking my mind, am still a selfish person, i prefer to have my own space in my own home.

my home will become motel next year liao.

alright, it's a very hot and humid night....good night. time to 'koon'.

jem just got update from doctor today...

ah bo's condition has deteriorated. she's got lung infection recently, not only liquid but also pus from the lung and unlikely to recover this round.

joyce just called and asked ian to talk to ah bo...she's semi conscious. so i made ian do all the talking and praying (i guided him behind), ah bo didn't really respond to ian's voice but believed she's aware ian's talking.

i told you that ian likes ah bo a lot last time yeah? ian is ah bo's favourite and so does ian. whatever ah bo does, ian will just laugh happily...that's months before she discovered she's got lung cancer. it's not the same now...maybe that's reality...sometimes i wonder, is it just ian or simply because he's still very young...nowadays he doesn't really want to talk to ah bo over the phone, he only more willing to talk to people who play with him. i got to admit that sometimes i purposely don't want to call ah bo, coz ian would only want to talk to the maid than her. and to me is very heart broken. yeah...the maid plays with him whenever i'm at in law's place.

if her condition is stable, she may be allowed to return home or hospice...but not at in law's place anymore...:( coz her condition is not suitable for environment with elderly and children due to possible infection...

i've been asking jem lately "can you tell you what you're thinking? just share anything". he said "he's not thinking, doesn't want to think"....

too many things happening around us now...our loved ones, close friends, close friends family.

> some have health problems (more and more now...one more new case again...)
> some run away from God
> some have rocky marriages


2 days, jem has been telling me this..."i hope i won't be a burden to you one day"
so many things happen, fear creeps into everybody's heart.

i pray not. i don't know what will happen tomorrow and future, but one thing i know, i'll stay with him all the way.

if happens to my loved ones, i hope they can live as long as they can, better still, God heals them, in fact i don't see they're burden.

but what if this happens to me one day...i'm more pessimistic and selfish, i hope to die as fast as i could, so that i won't be a burden to family.