i wrote this entry 4 months ago. didn't finish it coz i'm not sure whether it's appropriate to publish it, and if you ask me why i decided to do it now...arhhh....i also don't know why...just sharing.



i always look forward to this timing as this is my precious me time. been feeling down lately, and started thinking negative stuff again...

you know, as a stay at home mom, my life is all about my boys. whenever i msg jem, it's about our boys' activities...when he came back from work, all he sees is me busy with the boys. by the time he came back, it's probably my grumpiest moment coz dinner time is always my most frustrated moments....nathan is not eating, messing with the food with his hands, then in my mind i kept worrying he might get hungry in the middle of the night and ask for food...and then...worrying that that might become habitual for him to eat or drink milk at night...all sort of things. my face is all black and my voice is super loud every night...not very nice for a tired hubby who just came back from work to see a grumpy wife like that yeah :P ...basically, it's not very attractive.

our daily life is like this...jem out to work till evening...by the time he reaches home, he'll be so tired that he just want to sit and rest, sometimes dozed off, sometimes he'll help me whenever i ask him to. evening time would be my busy time too, feeding, bathing, cleaning, preparing for bedtime. by the time the boys are all asleep, i'm super tired and seriously, anything i intended to do when i come out of the room become not important anymore...tired and aimless...sometimes i just sit down watching tv, sometimes just sit beside him, watching what he's surfing...but both of us seldom talk.

and i don't know what you women out there thinking...hopefully not like me...coz i'm quite a think-a-lot-of-negative-things-woman.
i married to a most wonderful man i ever met in my life. i'm absolutely blessed and thankful of what God has given to me. He gave me more than i've asked for. and because of such a wonderful and capable husband, i scared other people want him too :P

so when there're days which is not very smooth to me, or suddenly, i become very moody, or low...i started to have unhealthy imagination..:P
i wonder what's jem doing out there. besides work, he meets his friends for meal, catch up session, meeting all sorts of people in his life, then his working area is full of well-dressed people, in their best looking outfit, radiant, professional...etc...comparing to a person like me who wears faded color big beggy t-shirt and most of the time with mismatch color shorts....uhmmm....

this entry is personal to me...coz it's a constant struggle for me. i tend to think a lot, in the negative side...a lot of 'what ifs'. a marriage is about trust....if there's no trust in either party, that will only lead to frustration. so am i not thankful for him, able to tolerate my nonsense?!

so what do i do? when i have a lot of things in my mind, i started to clean and clear things around the house. to keep myself busy. and today as i clear one of the never-been-touched drawer, i saw a book titled 'Your Best Life Now' by joel osteen. i bought this book 4 years ago...went to a christian bookshop, bought something and then the lady there strongly recommended me this book...said a lot of people bought it and very blessed by it. oh well, said till so nice, of course itchy backside i wanted it. so i ordered from her, not knowing who the author is and what title, collected it after few days and never touch the book ever since then.

so as i said, i'm in the midst of clearing things due to my low mood. throwing a lot of books...oh well...i mean...to give away...and then saw it...i just read 2 pages of it.

it's not easy to share personal thing, there's a lot a lot of things to talk about...and here i am trying hard to shorten it or maybe share just a small portion :P.

anyway, let me quote what the author wrote
the old adage "life is a self-fullfilling prophecy" held true for him. it will usually be true in your life as well. many people today are similar to nick. they're always expecting the worst. they expect defeat. they expect failure. they expect mediocrity. and they usually get what they expect they become what they believe.

i'm aware of the self-fulfilling prophecy part. reading this book is a reminder to me...so often when i'm so into my own self-pity world, i forgot the consequence of continue to dwell into it. of course i don't want this to happen in my marriage!!! i shall stop thinking jem might go astray that sort of things.

as for jem...always ignore my 'worries'. he's ever so steady, very confident that i stay faithful to him...(of course steady lah, i'm home at all times, there's no way i'll go astray...oh! let me clarify this, even if i'm out there, i'm still a faithful wife coz i love my lou gong a lot!). but of course, i want to tell you sth is, his family plays a big part in his steadiness and feeling ever so secure...just looking at my in laws...can tell they love one another deeply. my mom in law has the 'don't have to tell or show me, i also know you love me deep deep.' very confident :D. parents' marriage plays an important role in the next generation perception of marriage. so why am i feeling so insecure...? should i blame my family? should i blame my parents for instilling so much fear in my marriage. after knowing Christ, shouldn't.

anyway, i thank God that i accepted Christ....if not because of Him, knowing His everlasting love and His faithfulness, i would probably much worst than now...and trust me, people like me can easily fall into depression.

everyday, i'm trying to be a good wife and mother. hoping to be a good lover too. i don't know how, just keep on trying.